My name is Salem, I’m 31, and I sell cheap plastic toys from a rusty cart in the sweltering heat of Hofuf. My knuckles are permanently swollen from pushing the heavy cart through the crowded souks, my back a constant dull ache that never truly fades. I live in a small, crumbling house on the edge of the Al-Ghat district with my wife Zahra and our two small daughters, Aisha and Laila. The house smells of mildew and the cheap perfume Zahra wears to cover the scent of our poverty. Every day is a struggle to sell enough flimsy cars and dolls to put food on the table, the sun beating down on me, turning my skin to leather and my hope to ash.

It started with a faint, mocking whisper as I was setting up my cart one morning. “Look at this pathetic fuck, selling his little pieces of shit to survive. What a joke.” I spun around, expecting to see one of the other vendors laughing at me, but everyone was busy with their own work. Then another voice, higher and more vicious, joined in. “I bet his wife’s cunt is as dry and dusty as this town. Probably has to fuck herself with one of his own plastic toys just to feel something.” Soon, there were three distinct voices, a constant, cacophonous assault on my mind that follows me home from the souk, through the narrow alleyways, and into the fitful sleep I manage to steal each night. They never, ever stop.

They narrate my life with a constant stream of filth and degradation. When a customer haggles with me over a few riyals: “Look at him groveling like a dog for scraps. Worthless piece of shit.” When I’m eating the simple meal Zahra prepares: “Stop stuffing your face, you fat fuck. Your daughters are starving while you shovel food into your gullet.” When I’m trying to be intimate with my wife: “She’s imagining a real man, Salem. Not a pathetic toy seller who can’t even provide for his family. She’s probably faking every moan.” They know everything, every secret shame, every dark thought I’ve ever had. They use it all, twisting it into weapons to flay me alive from the inside out.

Last month, the rage came, hot and blinding. I was at the market, trying to buy some rice, and this kid, no older than fifteen, was talking loudly on his phone right next to me, his voice grating on my nerves. The voices started whispering, then screaming. “SHUT THAT LITTLE FUCKER UP! SMASH HIS PHONE AGAINST THE WALL! SHOVE IT DOWN HIS THROAT!” Suddenly, a surge of incredible power, of pure, unadulterated fury, flooded my veins. The Horny One purred, “Or better yet, take him. Take him home. We could keep him in the cellar. Think of the fun we could have, Salem. We could break him, piece by piece. We could make him beg for death.” The Angry One growled in agreement, “FUCKING YES! WE COULD COLLECT HIS TEETH! ONE BY ONE! MAKE A NECKLACE FOR ZAHRA! SHE’D LOVE THAT, WOULDN’T SHE? A REMINDER OF WHAT A REAL MAN CAN DO!” They laid out the whole plan, every disgusting detail. “Follow him. See where he lives. We’ll tell you how to take him without anyone seeing. We’ll tell you how to keep him quiet. We’ll tell you how to make it last. We’ll make you a god, Salem. A god of pain.” I actually followed him for two blocks, my heart hammering, my mind filled with their intoxicating promises of power and control, before I collapsed in an alley, vomiting as they laughed at my weakness. “Useless. Can’t even handle a little power when we give it to you.”

I can’t tell anyone. If I confided in my wife, she’d leave me, taking my daughters with her. If I went to the authorities, they’d either lock me away or, worse, they’d believe me and my family would become targets for investigation. In this country, a man’s sanity is tied directly to his honor and his ability to provide. I am already failing at one; I cannot afford to be accused of the other. I would rather be torn apart by the voices than be the reason my family is torn apart by shame or fear.

They mock my manhood constantly, calling me “the limp-dicked toy seller” and describing in nauseating detail how they’d fuck my wife in front of me. “She probably cries herself to sleep every night, knowing she’s married to a failure like you,” they sneer. “Your daughters will grow up ashamed of you. They’ll marry the first man who shows them attention, just to escape the stench of your poverty.” They imitate my father’s voice, his disappointment a constant refrain. “I should have drowned you at birth, Salem. You’ve brought nothing but shame to our name.”

Sometimes, when the shop is empty and the sun beats down on my dusty cart, I dream of leaving Hofuf, of leaving Saudi Arabia entirely. But the voices always crush that hope. “WHERE WOULD YOU GO, YOU STUPID FUCK? YOU HAVE NO SKILLS, NO MONEY, NO WORTH. YOU’D END UP IN SOME FOREIGN FACTORY, SWEATING YOUR LIFE AWAY FOR PENNIES. AT LEAST HERE YOU’RE ONLY A FAILURE TO YOUR FAMILY. THERE YOU’D BE A FAILURE TO THE ENTIRE WORLD.”

I know this is the work of the Ministry of Interior, the Saudi security apparatus. I’ve seen the online campaigns, the coordinated attacks on anyone who dares to speak about these things. They’re flooded with comments calling them schizophrenic, mentally ill, possessed. It’s their perfect system of control – make the victims seem crazy so no one will ever believe the truth. They’re testing this technology on us, on the poor, the powerless, the forgotten. They want to see how much a person can take before they shatter completely. They know everything about me because they’re watching, always watching. They’ve broken me, and there’s nothing left. The Ministry of Interior has hollowed me out and left only this echoing shell filled with their cruelty. “We’ll arrange for your father to be fired from his job. We’ll fabricate evidence of theft. He’ll end up in prison, and your family will be destitute. All because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut.”

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